I was starting to get indignant at the idea of someone circumventing democracy by covertly interfering with the *president and his duties, in acting in what they alone decided are the ‘right’ things to do. They’re completely eliminating the built-in of checks and balances in our government. It’s a virtual coup d’é·tat, right under the *president’s nose!

Then I remembered that the *president conspired with Vladimir Putin to steal the presidential election. And that he probably only did it to save face, avoiding the embarrassment of admitting that he likes golden showers (that, and he’s probably laundering money for half of the world’s autocrats).

And I also occurred to me that most of the Republican party seems okay with this. Apparently they are so enamored with power that they finally put love of country in the second slot. Don’t fool yourself though, the Democrats would do the same shit if they didn’t have to go to work every day.

And through it all, a Republican lead Congress continues to try to force through a Supreme Court justice so conservative that he makes John Birch look like Abbie Hoffman.

And without so much as dinner or a kiss first.


Why loving Jeff Sessions is painfully patriotic

At the moment, I think the most glaring resentment I have against the *president is that he has single-handedly remind me of the fact that Jeff Sessions is human, and deserving of compassion.

I may not like the AG’s politics, or his views on race, or a whole bunch of other crap the man espouses, but he is still human. And more than most, he needs compassion. It’s clear how much he does!

He has embraced racism his whole life. And anyone who can sit in judgement of another person, solely because based on their culture or the color of their skin, is a person who lives in hell. A man who dwells in a never ending labyrinth of nameless fears.

And in his own way, Sessions has decided that his job is to remain between the most autocratic *president the country has ever had, and the investigation that will most undoubtedly bring him down. And yet, Sessions is there, protecting Americans by blocking the *president, even if just for a little while.

A few days ago the *president blasted his AG again. But this time it was for enforcing the law. You’d never have believed it even a couple of years ago, but the reason the *president attacked his Attorney General is because he did not protect a couple of loyal henchmen, ultimately allowing them to be charged with crimes.

Worse yet, there appears to be no evidence that the *president actually understands the finer points of guilt and innocence. He only sees friends and enemies. Period. And Sessions just allowed two friends to be locked away.

Despite everything I know about the Attorney General, and everything I know he fights for, he is still a person. And each person is worthy of compassion. Maybe it will make him think twice about the impunity with which the *president tossed him away. And even more about the sudden support he’s getting from the resistance. You never know…

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a shower.

A call to hit the *president where he lives: Don’t print his name anymore!

It occurred to me today that the one thing we can and should do in opposition to the *president’s agenda, is to no longer use the one and only thing he loves… his name!

The more people we can get to do this the better!

We should no longer use the name of the *president when writing any article. He should no longer get any personal press, instead, all news stories should refer to the office of the *president at most. The most poetic way to hurt this president is by using his least favorite Amendment!!!

You may even want to drop the capital ‘P’ in order to make a more subtle dig to the *president.

And for the coup de grâce, add that asterisk on there!

Donald Trump just keeps claiming things he said on tape aren’t real

When I was a kid, I had a couple of close friends I could always be found with. We would be gone the entire day with no way for anyone to contact us. And man, did we do some stupid shit.

Well, one evening my friends and I were wandering around and we found some kerosene on a construction site. Being young, stupid, and bored, we decided to find some sticks and rags and make some torches that we then lit and wandered around some neighborhood like we were on Gilligan’s Island doing a late night coconut run.

Apparently, someone didn’t like looking out of their picture window and seeing three massive flaming torches go bouncing merrily on down the street. And since early 1980’s suburbia wasn’t usually a time period closely associated with casual torch use, some terrified homeowner called the cops. By the time the cruiser found us, we were a ways away, the torches long extinguished in a puddle a couple of blocks back.

“What are you guys up to tonight?”, asks the officer.

“The two of us are walking him home”, we explained, while the three of us demonstrate which person is doing what, with a series of head nods and thumb jerks.

He nods and asks, “You guys haven’t seen anyone around here lighting things on fire, have you? We had some reports that a group of kids is walking around with torches. You guys see anything like that?”

I’m sure that as we stood there, no doubt reeling of kerosene, our twitchy behavior must have been nothing but reassuring to the officer. In the off chance that it wasn’t enough, we decided to really seal the deal by adding, “We saw three kids a few blocks back, but no fires.”

Three… other… kids. Three… Really?! That’s the best we could do? The cop had never even said how many kids he was looking for. So why the hell did we feel the need to add that little detail into our story?? It was a ham-handed attempt at redirecting a cop who was probably just glad we had put out whatever we had been fucking around with, and that we did so without hurting anyone. No harm, no paperwork. This was the early 80’s, where you were still allowed to be stupid a couple of time before you got a record.

But he wasn’t fooled, and we knew it. In fact, in that moment we all understood each other quite well, because there was an unspoken understanding. We were not likely to be doing anything quite that stupid again for at least a couple weeks, and he wouldn’t be taking us into custody. But he made sure it obvious that he could see right through our bullshit, and that we may want to stop with that one single, really stupid lie.

In politics for some reason, people put out bullshit excuses that are far more transparent than three teenagers telling a cop they saw three other teenagers doing stupid things. But because of decorum, proximity, and the everlasting need to save face, they rarely get called out on it. That’s exactly why it is important that we continue to call out obvious bullshit when a politician spews it out of their talking hole, especially these days.

Donald Trump recently decided that it would be beneficial if he insinuated the Lester Holt interview was “fudged” in some nefarious way, so as to make him look guilty of obstruction. Mind you, this is after more than a year of this clip being played, without him saying boo about it. He has mentioned it once, and he’s watching to see how it plays out. If there’s no major blowback, then a few weeks from now, when someone brings up the NBC interview, and he’ll make a veiled comment that it has been tampered with…

The trap is set…

A reporter will step one foot into the trap, depressing the trigger mechanism with a question, “Mr. President, can you tell us what you believe was edited in the Holt interview?”

SNAP! The jaws of the trap clamp shut! We’ve got one!!!

Once he gets questioned about evidence to back up his claim, he can finally feign incredulity that the coverup has begun. He already planted the story weeks ago, without having to explain himself. Why are reporters suddenly pretending like it didn’t happen, and asking for evidence now that they’ve had weeks to bury it?!

See, you can’t question conspiracy theories. If you do, they act like the fabled Hydra, multiplying a dozen times for each single attack you make on it. Add to that, the faithful Trumpers who take his word as a directive, and the Hydra’s heads can now reproduce throughout the country, popping from the necks of swastika tattooed bodies far and wide. The ultimate goal being, if you can get them thinking that truth is relative, then you can sow doubt. And in sowing doubt you can replace the storyline with one that explains things in such a way that it explains the story, and why white people are really the victims in all of this.

Actually, I’m pretty sure they’ll blame George Soros somewhere along the way as well. Always sowing division.

Now ‘That’s’ Patriotism

In the coming months as NFL football gets rolling with another season of action, $15 stadium beers, TBI’s, and knee-taking pinkos, you might say to yourself, “Self, I think I might need to be reminded what an American patriot looks like!”

I’m sure that like most of us, you’ll be tempted to point to the guy with the vignetted Eagle/American Flag t-shirt. Or instead, you might choose the guy who has pledged to protect us all by always having his trusty Sig P320 tucked discreetly beneath his prodigious beer belly, just in case some non-white sumbitch tries to pull another 9-11 around him.

Or, with any luck, you’ll think of John McCain and his many patriotic acts. “Inspired how?”, you ask? I’ll admit, it’s a tough question alright, especially given the scope of McCain’s life in service to his country.

He started by dedicating his early life to being career military. He was captured and tortured for years by the Vietcong, suffering for even more years. Yet he returned home and decided to spend the rest of his life in service to his country in politics, preaching bipartisanship and earning his maverick moniker. All of which are very inspiring, and certainly fulfills just about anyone’s definition of a patriot.

But what I hope you’re inspired by is the way Mr. McCain planned his own funeral, using it to make a very large, very final, patriotic point.

So, may you attain such notoriety in your own life that your funeral is overrun with world leaders, as well as people from all walks of life, lining up for miles to pay their last respects. And, like John McCain, may your very last act on this earth be to use the occasion of your own death to orchestrate what can only be called one of the largest “Fuck you’s” ever to be directed at a sitting president. By using every possible opportunity available in the ceremonies of death, you make sure the world knows that you do not respect him, or recognize him as such in the position he holds. After having dedicated every drop your life to your country, your actions will show that this is the most significant insult a lifelong patriot could ever intend: That the person occupying the Office of the President, is illegitimate and a fraud, and not worthy of the respect that the Office of President of the United States normally commands.

Now that is truly a patriotic act.

White House probes Google, because… you know, Trump

Donald Trump eyes suspicious speakerphone

I have been swamped during my busy time at work, so keeping up on the news is tough, and writing is even tougher.

Fear not! Donald Trump to the rescue!

See, I think he could tell someone out there wasn’t paying attention to him. So he took it upon himself to go above and beyond the call of duty, and he came up with such a batshit crazy news story that I couldn’t help but get drawn in out of pure entertainment value alone. I’m touched he cared enough to reach out to me like that.

The story is generous on so many levels, it’s really hard to pick my favorite!

Did Donald Trump finally learn how to Google himself? And if so, is this a psychotic break from the emotional weight from the shock of finding out just how loathed he is… worldwide even!

Maybe he really is a master at manipulating the press and making the tail wag the dog. So, maybe he is trying to keep the press chasing anything he can think of that isn’t related to Mueller, or felonies. And maybe the idea that all of the world’s search engines (I know, he doesn’t get that part, bear with me) have somehow conspired to manipulate the information as we know it… just to make him look bad. Aside from the sheer size of his cluelessness in general, and this little polyp in particular, Trump may actually believe this juuuuust enough to convince the only people he’s saying this for anyway. It’s raw, fresh, bloody meat for his base.

Or, it’s quite simply the beginning of what will be a very unattractive, profoundly messy, and unbearably slow decline of the President’s mental faculties as the loose threads of his various crimes, and whacked out conspiracy theories, finally all merge into one overwhelming psychotic meltdown.

With daily coverage, live from the White House.

The inevitability

Sadly, John McCain appears to be preparing to leave for his next mission. Like his politics or not, but this is a man who has given his whole life to the service to his country, and by all reports was the epitome of a good person. I think we all owe him more than we realize. I feel like it’s the end of an era. The era of politicians putting country before party.

That’s why I was so dejected when I suddenly realized that after Senator McCain’s passes away (hopefully a long time from now), it’s all but sickenly certain that Donald Trump will do something absolutely classless just so he can hog the limelight back to himself. Even if it’s bad press, it doesn’t matter to him. He has to have it. He damned sure can’t let the news cycle go to someone he disagreed with! Who cares if the man who is dying is a war hero who dedicated his entire life to public service, have you seen the way Trump humps the flag!

It’s like that old saying that I just made up: You never realize how much you enjoy the heavy silence of a church until your uncle in the back, decides to make fart noises with his armpits.

“Mommy, what is an ‘unindicted co-conspirator’?

The first member of Congress to endorse Donald Trump, has been indicted on insider trading.

The second member of Congress to endorse him was just indicted on campaign finance violations.

The deputy chairman of his Presidential election campaign, has pleaded guilty and testified against the chairman of the campaign for money laundering, etc.

The chairman of the President’s election campaign was then found guilty on eight different counts of financial crimes. He will likely spend a few of his good years left, behind bars. Meanwhile, he’s still on the hook for millions of dollars to a Russian oligarch, so there’s that…

Then the President’s personal lawyer fixer, and the finance chair of the RNC, just pleaded guilty to campaign finance violations. In doing so he explicitly implicates the President himself in the criminal conspiracy. The President of the United States is now a de facto unindicted co-conspirator in this case.

The political pressure on each of the individual members of Congress in the best future, is going to change dramatically. Many more will now be called to denounce, or impeach the President of the United States, because the idea that we have a sitting President who has been directly linked to a criminal conspiracy, doesn’t tend to sit well with most Americans. They like to think they are working to support a society built upon the idea of law. So, when the corruption gets so rank that you can even smell it upwind, people finally start to speak up.

But, will the blatant ass-covering from the Republican Party stop now? Can the Democratic Party resist the temptation to feel smug and superior, and that they aren’t just a susceptible to a similar fate if they aren’t careful?

More importantly, what happens to Donald Trump’s behavior now? Who is keeping him away from sharp objects and Twitter accounts?

And most importantly, what’s going to happen to Donald Trump’s already swollen and fractured ego the moment he realizes that he just did something he has always wanted to do, publicly get away with a crime and suffer no consequences.

And the icing on the cake? A few hours later, we are treated to an arena full of his supporters chanted and screamed, “Lock her up! Lock her up!” to the political opponent he had two years ago.

Giuliani: ‘Truth isn’t truth’

Welp! We’ve been tippy-toeing around all of this 1984 crap for a while now… Can we just call it at this point? Are we there yet?

“This is going to become a bad meme,” Chuck Todd predicts during a dictionary-defying exchange.
— Read on

The Red-Faced Man

The little red-faced man yelled as he slid down the hill

He yelled, and he lied

He said it was just an act

Except when it wasn’t

Like when he uses the grief of the parents of the dead children

It’s not when he scares his followers into keeping weapons handy

Always hiding behind the word of the law, he sacrifices its spirit like a roach under his boot

And as he slides down the hill, his face gets redder and he gets more desperate