If you’re new to the human race, nipples are those two little darker bumps on either side of your chest. They can be used for feeding infants, and they can get pointy when you’re cold or if you sneeze. And let’s face it, other than feeding kids they have no real practical purpose… however there are plenty of off-label uses for them.
I have made my position pretty clear in the past when I discussed how foolish people can be about nipples, boobs and breasts versus a well proportioned set of pecs.
The fact is that it’s a discrimination against women and only women. Can I prove that? I sure can!
Today at Hampton Beach, on the tiny little shore of New Hampshire, is the second annual Free The Nipple Day. A day when women come out to celebrate the fact that New Hampshire’s laws are written in such a that they are legally allowed to get their tatas sunburned the same amount as men.
But I hear the comments now, “Wait! Men don’t have hooters!” Au contraire mon cheri! When was the last time you saw an overweight man without a shirt? I don’t care what anyone says, those big ol’ saggy things are moobs of Frank Costanza proportions, and in desperate need of A Bro.
I have yet to get a sufficient explanation as to why women’s nipples should be hidden more than men’s. No one can tell me why the breasts of a woman is more offensive than the breasts of a man. In fact I don’t think it’s because they’re offensive at all! I think it’s because they are (if you’ll excuse the pun) titillating. I think it’s historically because men have less sexual self-control than women. Men are unable to not stare, point, drool, touch, comment and biologically respond in a way that can be visual and embarrassing to them when they see a nice set of knockers.
In other words, women and their breasts, crowned by a perky little nipple, are not the problem and never have been. The problem is that men can’t not automatically associate them with sex. And it also explains why some men get disgusted when they see a woman breastfeeding a baby… men get jealous when they see a kid treating one of those things like a snack bar, and not an object of their obsession like nature intended.
No, we all have nipples and we all have breasts. We should be allowed to bare them if we want, and when we want, without being ridiculous of course (I think it’s still fair to say that anybody of any gender shouldn’t be allowed to whip them out during a business meeting in conference room #6). The fact is that the more you see them, the less spectacular they become. So showing them off is good! In fact, one could argue that these days bras and bikinis do a fantastic job of accentuating them in ways that defy nature and gravity, so allowing them to flop free may actually normalize them some.
Well, it won’t matter one way or another in this neck of the woods. As they say, New Hampshire has 3 months of bad sledding. So bundle up everyone!