Category Archives: Ego

A Street Gang Mentality

22 Sunday Mar 2020

Posted by in Change, Coronavirus, Ego, Guns, Human, Making Sense of Guns, Revolution, Trump-Hole

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The Renaissance came after the Dark Ages because people had started to engage in critical thinking and using something that became known as the scientific method. The natural result was to grow away from the teachings of The Church at that time, because the results science was getting threatened the validity of the Church itself, the authenticity of its edicts, and its iron grip on power.

Now the United States has a leader who is in a position of power he neither earned, nor deserves. And like the church, he is so frightened of being wrong and losing power that he is willing to put countless lives at risk just in order to appear as if he isn’t wrong.

And so, here we are centuries later slowly sinking back into the same dark abyss of magical thinking, selfish prayer and quack ‘cure-all’ medicines. We are again leaving behind rational observation and thought as we bound head first into cults of personality and brand identity, as if they offer something more substantive than a street gang mentality and some Second Amendment bumper stickers.

a moment before death

27 Saturday Jul 2019

Posted by in Anxiety, Death, Depression, Ego, Love, Poetry, Spirituality

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avoidance of death
bullet deflecting

bottom rung floor
ego detecting

loath to be found
smile affecting

some ‘thing’ is left
always protecting

shattered and empty
a moment is dawning

mind clear, eyes honest
lurching for morning

back in the blue
myth are reforming

until again I descend
horizon is calming

High Time For Change: Medical Cannabis and Recovery – Part 1

11 Friday Jan 2019

Posted by in Anxiety, Buddhism, Cannabis, Change, Depression, Ego, Emotional Intelligence, Environment, Fear, Heroin, Human, Medical Marijuana, Meditation, Mental Health, Open mind, Recovery, Spirituality

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*The following is multi-part series on the rise of cannabis as a medicine, how it affects alcoholics and addicts in recovery, and how to go about changing the information we have in our minds.

On June 10, 1935 the modern recovery movement was born when Alcoholics Anonymous came into being. And with it came an entirely new way for society to view alcoholism. While this isn’t the only method for people to recover, it’s going to be my primary starting point for now.

AA presented alcoholism as a disease, and one with no known cure. They also offered an ongoing “treatment” for alcoholism that would help the sufferer keep their illness in remission. It soon became very well respected, primarily for the recoveries that it had helped foster. Rather than branching out into other problem areas in society, it instead offered up its 12-step formula to other organizations, to adapt as they saw fit to help other populations with different needs. AA also offered its help to the world of science and health, helping to catapult much of the medical research on alcoholism and addiction that we now benefit from. They firmly put themselves in a position to only help, and never to engage in opinions one way or another. AA also tried very hard to foresee the future in order to avoid falling prey to medical fads, or fickle politics. In doing so, it necessarily took a step back, offering no opinions or endorsements. It’s that kind of foresight that has allowed the program to help as many people as it has over the years. It also gave the mistaken impression to many that the organization itself was mired in the past, advocating faith-healing over science, and allowing people to blame their problems on a disease instead of taking responsibility.

On August 2, 1937 President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Marijuana Tax Act, setting in motion an eighty-year assault on plant that had previously been cultivated for a variety of uses by Americans up until that point. The bill itself was drafted by Harry Anslinger, who served (not at all coincidentally) as the first commissioner of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics. There is more than enough evidence indicating that cannabis was already under assault on different fronts prior to this point, but history has also shown that Anslinger played a pivotal role in cannabis prohibition. And, like many of the other substances that were being regulated, and prohibited during this particularly active period of American puritanism, cannabis went from being a plant of many uses, to a fast and efficient way to ruins your life just from the penalties alone.

So, for 80 years those two worlds existed on parallel planes, rarely interacting. As the 12-step world grew and expanded to include organizations like Narcotics Anonymous, and Marijuana Anonymous, the idea of members using any sort of medicine that alters consciousness became taboo in church basements around the world.

It’s here where I need to step and explain something. I have and will use the terms organization, program, members, and culture to describe things like AA, and that isn’t accidental. It also needs to be pointed out that they aren’t synonymous with each other, something that becomes important as this narrative continues.

The organization of Alcoholics Anonymous is just that, the parent organization that exists to serve the groups, and individual members with information to aid in their recovery. This is the same type of organization that I mentioned had “firmly put themselves in a position to only help, and never to engage in opinions one way or another”. Unlike most organizations, they never set rules or requirements for their members to follow, at most they will offer suggestions. Not everyone at the organization is a member, let alone an alcoholic or addict. If asked about their position on different forms of cannabis being legally prescribed as medicine, or about recreational legalization, they would very likely say that they have no opinion on those kinds of issues.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous are those 12-step things you hear mentioned in TV and movies all of the time. If you actually use these twelve things to help you in life, you are following the program. You don’t need to be a member, or even an alcoholic or drug addict to use them. They were designed to be “open source” long before that was a term of use.

The members of Alcoholics Anonymous are just that, the people in the seats. Someone becomes a member when they say they are, that’s all there is to it. Of course, because the membership is made up of people who get to decide if they are members, or even if they are alcoholics at all, it is as flawed as and varied as people are in general. And while that means no one person is in charge, it also means that anyone who thinks they are, will try to be. I invite you to someday attend an AA meeting someday, and then randomly suggest they move their coffee pot across the room. Watch to see how many people think they are in charge. This will become is a crucial point in this narrative, because they are people with lots of opinions, who talk to each other all the time.

Finally, there is the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is where most misunderstandings and conflicts arise within the world of recovery. And it’s here where opinions become dogma, regardless of evidence.

To be continued…

 

I Separate Myself

27 Thursday Dec 2018

Posted by in Brain Droppings, Compassion, Ego, Emotional Intelligence, Human, Open mind, Spirituality

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I was just texting with a friend who had just come back from a house party, and part of his comments were that he didn’t feel like he fit in with that particular group of people. My initial response was, “I feel like that at every party.” Which isn’t entirely true, but it sometimes feels like it. In fact, for about 95% of my life, I’ve felt like I’ve only had about 5% in common with any person in the room.

For myself, I feel as though that happens to me when I am acutely aware of my-self. You know, that part that tells me that J am actually separate from others. There’s something about those feelings of isolation, or separation that seem to fuel the egos growth, solidifying the belief that we are unique and different from others.

Of course, none of that is actually true. The more I lose myself in any situation, whether some music or even just a really good conversation, the less I am thinking about myself. I don’t think about whether I’m hungry or not, or if I’m bored, or even if I am being self-conscious about the clothes I’m wearing. Instead, I am engrossed in the moment, in the now. I am present.

Self-talk, that chattering monkey in your head, necessarily requires you to pause your attention to the current moment, and asks of you to step slightly outside of it to gain perspective. While this view is only a subtle difference, it’s more than enough to stop you from being fully present.

When we aren’t present in our own life, we miss the magic of the moment. And by missing that we begin to separate from others, just a little bit. We begin to see the differences between ourselves and others. And when we do that, we begin to make judgements, even the most well-meaning of which encourage us to compare and separate again. And each time it needs just a little bit more, inch by inch, stretching on for miles.

And we find that, no matter the teacher, the message is the same. “Judge not, lest ye be judged”, is nothing more than a statement of cause and effect, one that we can expect to happen if we allow ourselves to step back in order to observe the differences between ourselves and others. That in itself is neither a good nor a bad thing. What it is though, is simply the statement of a natural law that we can count on as surely as gravity pulls us back to earth.

It is a mile built on inches.

Because, once we do, we have begun to lead ourselves into the hell of no longer truly being on the same plane as others around us. Each judgement one more small wedge that we use, to split ourselves off of the larger tree of society.

When I am sitting in a party and begin to think, “I’m not sure I agree with that lady’s politics”, or whatever other differentiation I might toss to my mind for fodder and fun, is the moment that I set that this separation in motion.

And only we can do it to ourselves. I am the only person actually capable of deciding whether or not to put chasms of thought between myself and the person sitting right next to me.

I was listening and laughing to David Sedaris’s Santaland Diaries near the end of this writing, and during a discussion about forced enthusiasm and fake authenticity, David uttered such a profound line that I stopped dead. It summed up everything I was saying about the cause and effect nature of self-judgement that dooms then dooms us as individuals. And it’s that line I will end with:

“All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.”

Live Art

23 Sunday Dec 2018

Posted by in Brain Droppings, Compassion, Ego, Emotional Intelligence, Love, Poetry, Spirituality

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I saw Bohemian Rhapsody recently with some friends, and I loved it. I’m also old enough to have been around for the first time around. Long before it seemed necessary to immortalize it on the big screen as its own story.

Soon after I saw it, I found myself listening to an interview with Rami Malek as he discussed what it was like to attempt to portray Freddy Mercury, and it got me thinking. Imagine the process someone has to go through when they try to portray a primarily contemporary musical idol to their original audience, as well as a newer world. More than that, someone who was such an absolutely massive personality. I mean, Freddy Mercury was, if nothing else, a man with a huge presence in recent musical history. A personality that embodies, and maybe even defines the title of “lead singer in a rock and roll band”.

And, during this interview, Malek, begins to describe how to emulate a man who, when he was on stage, gave 120% at all times…

I stopped right there.

Ok, at so first my pedantic nature takes over and I think, “Ugh. I hate that crap. Per Cent. Per 100! If we are giving something our all, that all would be 100% of what we have to give, right?! I hate this crap. It’s just over-the-top Tony Robbins motivational blargspeak, and it makes my teeth itch. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought about why some people make us feel as though they can give beyond what we think they are capable of giving. Therefore, when they give it their all, we see that it’s in excess of what we expected to see from someone like that. And we label it as them having given 120%.

Sigh.

But, this is about art. My belief is that art is really spirit. Or, more specifically art comes out of the gaps in our spirit. It reaches itself out to, seeking the same in others. And art is the language they speak.

Art is spirituality manifested in some form that pleases/stimulates/connects with other people’s spirits, and it communicates entirely on its own plane. It comes into being when its creator creates it, or names it, or loves it, or even passionately hates it. Sculpture and music, painting or stagecraft, subway platforms or museum niches, art exists because we’re human. In the darkest of places, art is a blazing torch. Even in the mundane, art is the eyebrows* we put on that spreadsheet of dry numbers we give to our boss.

But what about the artist who doesn’t have cracks, or even gaps in their shell? What about those who are almost raw spirit under a thin human veneer, coming face to face with the world for the first time. They don’t create when they make their art, they become it. As they perform their art, they create an energy around them that is its own, higher form of art. This form we call ‘love’.

I don’t think artists like Freddy Mercury are capable of giving 20% more than everyone else. I think they are somehow able to transmit the love they helped create when their untethered spirit is finally allowed to fluently speak its native tongue. That’s what we call that ‘art’.

And the best we’ve come up with to describe this phenomenon is, ‘he gave 120%’?! No. No. No. We’re going to need to get an artist on this right away and change that.

In Memoriam… And it’s time to get to work

06 Saturday Oct 2018

Posted by in Change, Compassion, Ego, Emotional Intelligence, Fear, Healthcare, Heroin, Love, Medical Marijuana, Meditation, Memorial, Middle Way, Music, Open mind, Politics, Recovery, Sameness

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The last few years has been a tough ride for me personally. I lost a brother to an overdose. I lost my mother to cancer. I lost one of my oldest friends, and the best man in my wedding, to Alzheimer’s. There’s also a handful of other major events that would take too long to explain in this particular post. When I look back at every one of those losses, there is a fairly large gap in my blog post history. Who knows why? I suppose it’s one of the ways I don’t deal with grief, by simply ignoring any decent coping mechanism I have for processing it.

A week ago today, I lost one of the most influential people I have ever had the privilege to know and collaborate with. This time the loss is directly relevant to my spiritual well-being, as well as what I write about.

Brian and I met over a decade ago, when he was hired by a friend of his, who was also my boss. A lucky break for me since the same guy had been telling me that I would probably get along really well with his friend Brian. A suggestion that sparked one of the most pivotal relationships in my life.

He was more than just a friend. He was a mentor in a number of areas for me. At other times, he preferred to be the student. It was one the purest definitions of friendship I have ever experienced. For myself, I believe that’s because we recognized ourselves in each other.

Over time, we created and authored a number of blogs that discussed a range of topics. He was one of the few people I can honestly say was able to deliver criticism to me in a way that completely bypassed my defenses, and the need to defend myself from the criticism. He could bypass my defenses and deliver information in a way that made it easy to see his point, simply removing my normal need to save face.

I don’t write because I want to. On most days, it’s more of a need. But, when my ego flairs, writing the type of stuff I do can be painful sometimes. Based on what I know, I suspect that Brian had to learn how to reduce his own ego before he could help anyone else with theirs. I am a far better person today for having known him.

I haven’t used his full name for a few reasons. The first of which is that I haven’t sought any sort of permission from his family to compose a written memorial. But also because I think I knew him well enough to know that, the idea of anyone trying to memorialize him in any way, would have given him the heebie jeebies.

Over the years he pushed me hard to get over myself, and to finally realize some of the projects I wanted to work on. But, like most people, most of it’s blocked by whatever bullshit excuse for a fear that I’d given myself. Each time that he pushed, he was careful to do so in a way that was always most helpful to others, and less likely to focus accolades back on us. In other words, Brian showed me what humility was, from the inside.

…

Okay, so now after having written all of that nice stuff, it also appears that I have also acquired my own glasses-wearing, mustachioed Obi Wan-ghost, wandering around and bugging me that I’ve still got work to do.

You see, I am not trying to memorialize Brian so much as I am trying to write about the passing of a close friend as a way to exercise my own demons. And also to let people know that I plan to change directions with this blog for a little while, if that’s okay (and even if it’s not). This blog was never meant to be a political bitch session. That’s purely a side effect of our current political climate.

I have been working on a series of essays that discuss the current and ongoing change in status that cannabis is experiencing as medicine, as well as how that might affect people in recovery for things like alcoholism.

Because of some of the training I have, both personally and professionally, this is a topic of great personal importance to me. It’s also one that few seem willing to tackle. And it’s here that Brian recently applied his gentle pressure, for me to continue to explore the subject, so that we could continue to help others in whatever way works for them.

My secondary reason for this post is to ask help from the readers: If you know anyone who can be helped by this information, please share it with them, this topic must be a give and take. Like much of our political discourse these days, the medical benefits of things like cannabis are subject to media favoritism. And the popularity of certain methods and medicines, ebbs and flows on public perception. A perception that is largely informed by backdoor deals and lobbying efforts, usually designed to enrich someone else, somewhere else.

What we really should be doing is using the technology we passively browse, and instead push it to increase our own access to information. We need it to help us expand our knowledge of the truth, and about the real efficacy of our medicines, and our politics. And for many who are trying to recover from addiction, helping them to increase the quality of their own internal lives.

Having said all of that, I want to once more thank Brian for everything he was able to teach me (not always such an easy task). And to also let him know that I miss him, and that I love him. Something I’m sure he knew, but I don’t think I got to say out loud.

There are no atheists in foxholes… or capitalists

14 Friday Sep 2018

Posted by in Compassion, Ego, Emotional Intelligence, Human, Love, Middle Way, Politics, Race, Sameness

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Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images

Between yesterday and today, thousands of Americans have considered switching political affiliations.

First, we have a massive hurricane making landfall in the Carolinas. There are also scores of houses burning in Massachusetts due to a gas line issue.

It’s for these reasons that thousands and thousands of conservative, self-sufficient, pull-themselves-up-by-their-bootstraps kind of folks will suddenly decide that Socialism ain’t so bad after all. It’s a common conversion that happens when your house is on fire, or you need to be rescued from the roof of your flooded home.

When it comes to paying taxes, they’re a fiscal conservative/capitalist who is more than willing to fight the good fight based on the “It ain’t right, because the 16th Amendment” argument. But once their house is burning or floating, they are happy to proclaim their status as Americans, shouting, “But, I’m a taxpayer!” as their expectations of public services suddenly exceeds their demonstrations of individuality.

When the shit hits the fan and you have to do the unthinkable and ask for help, it’s because your ego has finally fallen from its lofty perch long enough for your spirit to recognize that we are all actually in this together. And just for the briefest of moments, we are all on the same side. Even them liberals, and non-whites.

How hard can it be to say ‘Nazis are bad’?

08 Saturday Sep 2018

Posted by in Conspiracies, Ego, First Amendment, Mental Health, Middle Way, Politics, Putin, Revolution, Trump-Hole

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Before my normal rant, I wanted to update you. I have heard the comments, and I agree. So, I should have hopefully done away with the annoying ads. I feel as though the small amount of revenue accrued from ads is never worth it if it’s too annoying for the readers to bother returning next time. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Now, on with the righteous indignation!

— • — • — • — • —

When I heard that a special counsel was being appointed to investigate the *presidents 2016 for collusion with the Russians, I thought, “Man, he’s going to be off the freakin’ wall. Between his ego and any shiny object that come along, well be lucky to keep his attention for half a day at a time!”

Then as word began to leak out about people cooperating with Robert Mueller, I figured he’d snap.

And when his personal lawyer and fixer flipped on him I figured he’d lose his shit.

And surely the idea of mole circumventing his authority right under his nose must be the snapping point.

And then Barack Obama finally spoke out, breaking the tradition of no personal criticism presidents used to honor between each other, directly attacking the current *president’s morals and methods. He bashed him, and made fun of him. That’s right, The one person he hates even more than Hillary, just openly bashed him, and publicly made fun of him. His archenemy and predecessor, the man who really had a huge inauguration, and is a demonstrably better President, just made fun of him.

And worst of all, Obama just got more headlines.

Keep your eye on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

— Read on thehill.com/homenews/news/405576-obama-how-hard-can-it-be-to-say-nazis-are-bad

treasontreasontreason…

06 Thursday Sep 2018

Posted by in Conspiracies, Ego, Fear, Middle Way, Patriotism, Politics, Putin, Revolution, Terrorism, Trump-Hole

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I was starting to get indignant at the idea of someone circumventing democracy by covertly interfering with the *president and his duties, in acting in what they alone decided are the ‘right’ things to do. They’re completely eliminating the built-in of checks and balances in our government. It’s a virtual coup d’é·tat, right under the *president’s nose!

Then I remembered that the *president conspired with Vladimir Putin to steal the presidential election. And that he probably only did it to save face, avoiding the embarrassment of admitting that he likes golden showers (that, and he’s probably laundering money for half of the world’s autocrats).

And I also occurred to me that most of the Republican party seems okay with this. Apparently they are so enamored with power that they finally put love of country in the second slot. Don’t fool yourself though, the Democrats would do the same shit if they didn’t have to go to work every day.

And through it all, a Republican lead Congress continues to try to force through a Supreme Court justice so conservative that he makes John Birch look like Abbie Hoffman.

And without so much as dinner or a kiss first.

The fate of the United States is in the hands of a very sick child

15 Sunday Jul 2018

Posted by in Conspiracies, Dingleberries, Ego, Emotional Intelligence, Fear, Indivisible, Middle Way, Patriotism, Putin, Revolution, Trump-Hole

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Donald Trump is mentally ill. And no, this is not the beginning of a joke, I am very serious. And I don’t mean this the way most people bandy about phrases like, “the guy’s completely nuts”, alluding to the fact that this person is your basic, run-of-the-mill, unhinged egomaniac.

No, Donald Trump began his break with reality in the 1980’s, as he sought constant attention from the press. He saw himself as a persona, and not really as his own person the way most people do of themselves. So, in support of that delusion, he began to sculpt his own mythos. Trump went so far as to produce additional characters out of whole cloth (the most well known of which is, John Barron), whose sole purpose in this dimension was to lift up their hero, Mr. Trump.

But, it was The Apprentice that finally gave Donald a massive dose of that… whatever the hell that thing is that people get exposed to in ‘Celebritopia’, that causes people go all Macaulay Culkin.

That exposure was way too much for the already damaged psyche of Trump. And so, like Voldemort’s damaged soul, Donald’s thinly egg-shelled ego crushed under the weight of having attained its deepest desire: Enough recognition and admiration to finally convince him that it’s all true… Every bit of it is true. He really is that famous, and influential!

It was this Donald Trump that, on January 20, 2017, became the most powerful man on earth, The President of the United States. Of course, the rest of the world sees and knows that there’s no way Donald Trump could have become president on his own merits, not even remotely. And there’s plenty of evidence to show that they’re right. But the inner-Trump, who needs unwavering admiration, can never accept such a preposterous idea.

Trump then dwelt in this twilight reality for a few years, feeding his inner Mr. Hyde a 24 hour diet of Twitter and Diet Coke. It was then that Donald Trump finally achieved a level of self-deceit required to break out of his demented chrysalis, and finally he burst forth in his final, monstrous form.

To think that Vladimir Putin isn’t beside himself with glee over how childishly persuadable the new President of the United States is. Or that he has begun visualizing effigies of himself being erected next to those of Vladimir Lenin’s, then you clearly do not understand the gravity of these current events. Putin sees himself as the father of New Russia, and Donald Trump, Putin’s very own useful idiot, is helping him every step of the way.

Donald Trump isn’t evil in the same deliberate, scheming way that Vladimir Putin is. No, Trump has far more frightening incentives that make him dangerous on so many other levels. And it’s primarily because of this that it’s impossible to tell which reality Trump is inhabiting when he’s making a particular decision. How do you defend against something like that?

Donald Trump doesn’t feel like you and I feel. One of the scariest part about having Donald Trump as a President is that he has about as much emotional connection to his world-altering decisions, as you or I do about purchasing a property during a game of Monopoly. He sees his choices in isolation, not in context. He simply wants to win the game. And the only skills he possesses for such a task are ruthlessness, and self-preservation. The problem is that if Trump doesn’t see or hear the suffering of real people as a direct result of his decisions, then any results are simply too abstract for him to recognize them in connection to the bigger reality. In other words, you and I are as real to him as the little toy pieces on the game board.

The world is a going to be a different place after this meeting. No one in a position of influence has the courage to stop this before it happens. And they’ll be no reversing things once Putin gets his entire foot in the door.

Dibs on the little dog piece.