Category Archives: Depression

a small voice

21 Thursday Mar 2019

Posted by in Anxiety, Change, Depression, Growth, Human, Poetry

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secret stock in yesterday
pack it deep inside
cherished grudge and festerthought
unease and disquiet thrive

possession of the certainty
that they’re or then’s the balm
buried deep in cancer rot
nostalgic hues to warm

dislocated and blame direct
you manifest the cause
searchlight cast and scapegoat set
your doom repeats alone

thoughts and prayers, likes and hits
the void a tarnished spot
junk food diet of false concerns
emaciated soul of loss

set adrift in foul play
today’s forgotten ‘morn
it’s yours to choose and back to turn
the pain of growth is born

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Medical Cannabis and Recovery – Part 1: High Time For Change

12 Saturday Jan 2019

Posted by in Anxiety, Cannabis, Change, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Healthcare, Human, Medical Marijuana, Meditation, Open mind, Recovery, Sameness

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*The following is repost (technical difficulties) of the first part of a multi-part series on the rise of cannabis as a medicine, how it affects alcoholics and addicts in recovery, and how to go about changing the information we have in our minds.

On June 10, 1935 the modern recovery movement was born when Alcoholics Anonymous came into being. And with it came an entirely new way for society to view alcoholism. While this isn’t the only method for people to recover, it’s going to be my primary starting point for now.

AA presented alcoholism as a disease, and one with no known cure. They also offered an ongoing “treatment” for alcoholism that would help the sufferer keep their illness in remission. It soon became very well respected, primarily for the recoveries that it had helped foster. Rather than branching out into other problem areas in society, it instead offered up its 12-step formula to other organizations, to adapt as they saw fit to help other populations with different needs. AA also offered its help to the world of science and health, helping to catapult much of the medical research on alcoholism and addiction that we now benefit from. They firmly put themselves in a position to only help, and never to engage in opinions one way or another. AA also tried very hard to foresee the future in order to avoid falling prey to medical fads, or fickle politics. In doing so, it necessarily took a step back, offering no opinions or endorsements. It’s that kind of foresight that has allowed the program to help as many people as it has over the years. It also gave the mistaken impression to many that the organization itself was mired in the past, advocating faith-healing over science, and allowing people to blame their problems on a disease instead of taking responsibility.

On August 2, 1937 President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Marijuana Tax Act, setting in motion an eighty-year assault on plant that had previously been cultivated for a variety of uses by Americans up until that point. The bill itself was drafted by Harry Anslinger, who served (not at all coincidentally) as the first commissioner of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics. There is more than enough evidence indicating that cannabis was already under assault on different fronts prior to this point, but history has also shown that Anslinger played a pivotal role in cannabis prohibition. And, like many of the other substances that were being regulated, and prohibited during this particularly active period of American puritanism, cannabis went from being a plant of many uses, to a fast and efficient way to ruins your life just from the penalties alone.

So, for 80 years those two worlds existed on parallel planes, rarely interacting. As the 12-step world grew and expanded to include organizations like Narcotics Anonymous, and Marijuana Anonymous, the idea of members using any sort of medicine that alters consciousness became taboo in church basements around the world.

It’s here where I need to step and explain something. I have and will use the terms organization, program, members, and culture to describe things like AA, and that isn’t accidental. It also needs to be pointed out that they aren’t synonymous with each other, something that becomes important as this narrative continues.

The organization of Alcoholics Anonymous is just that, the parent organization that exists to serve the groups, and individual members with information to aid in their recovery. This is the same type of organization that I mentioned had “firmly put themselves in a position to only help, and never to engage in opinions one way or another”. Unlike most organizations, they never set rules or requirements for their members to follow, at most they will offer suggestions. Not everyone at the organization is a member, let alone an alcoholic or addict. If asked about their position on different forms of cannabis being legally prescribed as medicine, or about recreational legalization, they would very likely say that they have no opinion on those kinds of issues.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous are those 12-step things you hear mentioned in TV and movies all of the time. If you actually use these twelve things to help you in life, you are following the program. You don’t need to be a member, or even an alcoholic or drug addict to use them. They were designed to be “open source” long before that was a term of use.

The members of Alcoholics Anonymous are just that, the people in the seats. Someone becomes a member when they say they are, that’s all there is to it. Of course, because the membership is made up of people who get to decide if they are members, or even if they are alcoholics at all, it is as flawed as and varied as people are in general. And while that means no one person is in charge, it also means that anyone who thinks they are, will try to be. I invite you to someday attend an AA meeting someday, and then randomly suggest they move their coffee pot across the room. Watch to see how many people think they are in charge. This will become is a crucial point in this narrative, because they are people with lots of opinions, who talk to each other all the time.

Finally, there is the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is where most misunderstandings and conflicts arise within the world of recovery. And it’s here where opinions become dogma, regardless of evidence.

To be continued…

 

High Time For Change: Medical Cannabis and Recovery – Part 1

11 Friday Jan 2019

Posted by in Anxiety, Buddhism, Cannabis, Change, Depression, Ego, Emotional Intelligence, Environment, Fear, Heroin, Human, Medical Marijuana, Meditation, Mental Health, Open mind, Recovery, Spirituality

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*The following is multi-part series on the rise of cannabis as a medicine, how it affects alcoholics and addicts in recovery, and how to go about changing the information we have in our minds.

On June 10, 1935 the modern recovery movement was born when Alcoholics Anonymous came into being. And with it came an entirely new way for society to view alcoholism. While this isn’t the only method for people to recover, it’s going to be my primary starting point for now.

AA presented alcoholism as a disease, and one with no known cure. They also offered an ongoing “treatment” for alcoholism that would help the sufferer keep their illness in remission. It soon became very well respected, primarily for the recoveries that it had helped foster. Rather than branching out into other problem areas in society, it instead offered up its 12-step formula to other organizations, to adapt as they saw fit to help other populations with different needs. AA also offered its help to the world of science and health, helping to catapult much of the medical research on alcoholism and addiction that we now benefit from. They firmly put themselves in a position to only help, and never to engage in opinions one way or another. AA also tried very hard to foresee the future in order to avoid falling prey to medical fads, or fickle politics. In doing so, it necessarily took a step back, offering no opinions or endorsements. It’s that kind of foresight that has allowed the program to help as many people as it has over the years. It also gave the mistaken impression to many that the organization itself was mired in the past, advocating faith-healing over science, and allowing people to blame their problems on a disease instead of taking responsibility.

On August 2, 1937 President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Marijuana Tax Act, setting in motion an eighty-year assault on plant that had previously been cultivated for a variety of uses by Americans up until that point. The bill itself was drafted by Harry Anslinger, who served (not at all coincidentally) as the first commissioner of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics. There is more than enough evidence indicating that cannabis was already under assault on different fronts prior to this point, but history has also shown that Anslinger played a pivotal role in cannabis prohibition. And, like many of the other substances that were being regulated, and prohibited during this particularly active period of American puritanism, cannabis went from being a plant of many uses, to a fast and efficient way to ruins your life just from the penalties alone.

So, for 80 years those two worlds existed on parallel planes, rarely interacting. As the 12-step world grew and expanded to include organizations like Narcotics Anonymous, and Marijuana Anonymous, the idea of members using any sort of medicine that alters consciousness became taboo in church basements around the world.

It’s here where I need to step and explain something. I have and will use the terms organization, program, members, and culture to describe things like AA, and that isn’t accidental. It also needs to be pointed out that they aren’t synonymous with each other, something that becomes important as this narrative continues.

The organization of Alcoholics Anonymous is just that, the parent organization that exists to serve the groups, and individual members with information to aid in their recovery. This is the same type of organization that I mentioned had “firmly put themselves in a position to only help, and never to engage in opinions one way or another”. Unlike most organizations, they never set rules or requirements for their members to follow, at most they will offer suggestions. Not everyone at the organization is a member, let alone an alcoholic or addict. If asked about their position on different forms of cannabis being legally prescribed as medicine, or about recreational legalization, they would very likely say that they have no opinion on those kinds of issues.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous are those 12-step things you hear mentioned in TV and movies all of the time. If you actually use these twelve things to help you in life, you are following the program. You don’t need to be a member, or even an alcoholic or drug addict to use them. They were designed to be “open source” long before that was a term of use.

The members of Alcoholics Anonymous are just that, the people in the seats. Someone becomes a member when they say they are, that’s all there is to it. Of course, because the membership is made up of people who get to decide if they are members, or even if they are alcoholics at all, it is as flawed as and varied as people are in general. And while that means no one person is in charge, it also means that anyone who thinks they are, will try to be. I invite you to someday attend an AA meeting someday, and then randomly suggest they move their coffee pot across the room. Watch to see how many people think they are in charge. This will become is a crucial point in this narrative, because they are people with lots of opinions, who talk to each other all the time.

Finally, there is the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is where most misunderstandings and conflicts arise within the world of recovery. And it’s here where opinions become dogma, regardless of evidence.

To be continued…

 

A Real Nail Biter

19 Wednesday Dec 2018

Posted by in Anxiety, Brain Droppings, Compassion, Dandelion Break, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Fear, Human, Meditation

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People with chronic anxiety, huddle up! It’s time to give yourself that ‘pep talk’ that only you can give to yourself…

“Get out there Tiger! Don’t worry, today’s going to be boring! Everything going to go as planned, finally. And, for once there won’t be any nasty surprises!”

“No ones going to scream about something in your ear, or yell at their kids when you happen to be close enough to get the ‘shock’ from it. Better yet, I’ll bet you no one is going to yell near you at all!”

“Today you’re not going to have to worry about your boss. You’re won’t need to get clarification from them when they give you vague instructions about some incredibly sensitive matter that they won’t offer you any help with, never mind answer your questions. Instead, everything will make sense, and every angle will be covered beforehand. Doubt is a thing of the past!”

“Today’s the day that your family, and friends won’t ask how you’re feeling, nor will they even have to. You won’t have to deal with that moment when the conversation awkwardly dies, because you don’t have the answer they’re hoping for. Today no one is going to ask you at all, and all of the conversations will be fine.”

“Today will also be the day that your heart rate will finally respond to those breathing exercises everyone has been showing you for years. You know the ones. You’ve tried them a million times, but they only seem to work on normal people. Not today, my friend!”

“And best of all, today you won’t need those rescue meds either. Which means, you won’t need to worry about feeling crappy for days afterwards because of all the side effects.”

“Today is your day! Enjoy, or not. It’s totally up to you! Do whatever you want to today.

And don’t worry, there’s no reason to second guess any of this. It’s all good!”

There’s a whole lot more to suicide prevention

15 Friday Jun 2018

Posted by in Compassion, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Fear, Love, Mental Health, Middle Way, Sameness, Spirituality, Suicide

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This one was tough to put into words, even more so in writing.

You know, I’m glad that people are shocked and motivated to raise awareness about suicide since the passing of Anthony Bordain, and Kate Spade. Similar concerns erupted around Robin Williams suicide a few years ago too. But unfortunately, it’s very likely that these concerns will have to get voiced again, and again, since this problem isn’t going away anytime soon.

Awareness is a good thing, but in and of itself, it’s not very practical. Compassion, and awareness need to be paired with action to show their real effectiveness. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying awareness is useless. I mean, it sure beats some of our other bright ideas, like ‘life’s a beach’ T-shirts, truck balls, and Budweiser mirrors, but it is only awareness after all.

Suicidal ideations don’t usually just come out of nowhere. Usually those kinds of thoughts are like an old friend that has quietly whispered never ending doubts into your ear for many years. And it’s not usually a threatening voice either. In fact, to the some sufferers it’s a very reassuring one, because it’s the only one that offers anything resembling relief, however final it may be. While the idea of suicide may seem a tad drastic at first, with constant nudging from that voice, it begins to lose that feeling of being such an “extreme act”.

It should be universally understood that someone is no longer functioning normally when they are willing to conclude that everyone they care about (and who cares about them) would be better off if they were no longer alive. It should be, but it isn’t. Instead, people confuse depression with sadness, in much the same way a very vocal minority confuses climate with weather.

For the sufferer, anything that interferes with their ability to wallow in their own thoughts, gets jettisoned quickly. The passage of time is only relevant to how long it’s been since their last bout. For years the voice has been convincing them how minor their death will be, that everyone is better off, and how it has always been an option. And the more they listen, the more powerful it becomes, just like Hyde did to Dr. Jeckyl.

If you know someone is struggling, you need to reach out to them. Think for a second about how willing you are to reach out when you’re feeling down… a lot of us would just like crawl back to bed, at the very least. So take a few minutes out of your day to talk with them and catch up. Make sure to stay in touch with them, because a huge part of the problem is the almost total inability to ask for help!

If we know someone who might actually need help, we should encourage them to talk to their doctor or seek another form of help. We should keep in touch with them, and follow up. We need more human contact, we’re all beginning to realize how much of that we’ve given up for our phoneputers. And I’m probably guiltier of it than most.

I’d love to wrap this up in a nice bow that tells everyone how we can fix it. Yeah… that’s not how this works. Helping people can be inconvenient sometimes, but we aren’t going to solve some of our more ‘human’ problems without getting right in there and showing that we give a shit.

Love ~ Hate

31 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in Depression, Ego, Emotional Intelligence, Hate, Human, Love, Meditation, Mental Health, Middle Way, Spirituality

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Imagine you’ve spent most of your life trying to lose as many negative states of mind as you could. To reduce the size of your ego, and live by spiritual principles. And throughout that time you’ve tried to turn the other cheek, no matter what had been done to you, or why.

And then imagine that after decades of practice, you suddenly feel less accomplished, and deeper in your suffering than you ever had been before starting your journey.

And then one day wake up a sudden realization, and a fully formed plan to ruin someone else’s life. You had no conscious realization that any hate you still possessed ran that deep. Nor do you have any memory of wanting to plan, or perform such an act. But suddenly, there it was, complete and ready to go.

Would you follow through?

Would you tell another person?

Would you seek help for yourself?

Or could you accept it as a plateau in your growth?

“It’s not a gun issue!”

06 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by in Conspiracies, Depression, Dingleberries, Guns, Hate, Mental Health, Middle Way, Terrorism, Trump-Hole

≈ 1 Comment

The initial days surrounding a mass shooting are an inappropriate time to discuss gun control. People just died for Christ’s sake.

The mass shootings have been slowly, steadily, creeping closer, and closer together. They are now within weeks to days of each other.

The intersection of these two facts is that mass shootings will become so close together that there will never be an “acceptable” time for us to openly discuss how to kill less people.

Whenever some insensitive clod does succeed in getting the topic of gun control mentioned within that magically off-limits sphere of time surrounding any mass shooting, it should only last long enough to remind them that this is a mental health issue.

Soon there will be another attempt to act fiscally responsible, and throw 25,000,000 off of their healthcare. There will be no safety net for them, or help for their mental health issues.

Any attempt to use tax revenue to purchase healthcare instead of military weaponry, will result in the offender(s) being labeled a dirty, rotten, socialist*.

*(any gun-carrying neo-Nazis should ignore the fact that the original Nazi party were actually socialists).

Declare The Pennies On Your Eyes

20 Wednesday Sep 2017

Posted by in Compassion, Conspiracies, Depression, Meditation, Middle Way, Open mind, Patriotism, Politics, Sameness, Spirituality

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At the age of 50 years old, I have contributed hundreds of thousands of dollars to the United States government. I’m sure someone knows how much precisely, but I don’t. However, I do know it’s somewhere between a crap-ton and a shitload. My taxes have funded untold amounts of unnecessary military expenditures (and probably some necessary ones, there is no way to tell). Senators, Congressmen, and an endless string lackeys  (some, I assume, were used by good people) have feasted and traveled on my dime. There has been boondoggles, pork projects, and tit for tat bargains stretching off as far as the eye can see, all on my taxes… and yours too.

For most of my life I have been told that I will likely never benefit from any of the money I’m required to pay into Social Security. I guess because someone else needed it, or something. They weren’t supposed to take it, but they did… and no one stopped them. Of course, if I get frustrated and stop “contributing” I will surely go to jail. And I still won’t ever see those benefits.

There are towns across the country with crumbling roads, poisoned water, and bridges that are more rust than metal. The bridges get upgraded less and less these days, instead they are triaged more and more. That comes out of my taxes too. And like most things, it costs more to repair this stuff than it does to maintain it, but that’s the next guy’s problem, right?

I work for a public school system, a target for any fiscal conservative. Therefore, pay increases have finally reversed direction from job performance. The same can be said for workplace morale, and parental indignation… or even staff payroll, and district budgets. Somehow this is supposed to prove that public education doesn’t work… yeah, I don’t get it either. Raises are hard to come by these days, unless you’re in Congress. Congress has never failed to give themselves decent raise, or three. 

Soon Mitch McConnell and a whole bunch of politicians will vote as one (one political party, that is), to get rid of healthcare coverage for lots of people. Why? Good question. I can give you a dozen answers, all somewhat correct. But the truth is, that it’s what they been told/asked/threatened/bribed/want to do. They have also been given strict talking points by the same people who have told/asked/threatened/bribed/want them to vote this way. These talking points help them explain to you why you unconsciously want them to get rid of your actual healthcare, in favor of a really great conceptual one. And no, if they take away your healthcare, they won’t give any of the money back. Get real. And yes, you will still be required to pay the taxes for it.

So, lately I have been trying to avoid blogging about politics. It’s just too easy to wonk about this stuff, no matter where you stand politically. But, because so many people are overwhelmed, worried and anxious about losing their healthcare, this blog entry is actually doubling as a post about mental health.

Suffering is an option. An option we elect each time we read, or watch the news about politics, and the healthcare debate. But it doesn’t need to be that way.

Meditation is a wonderful tool that you can use to get perspective on these things. If you’re reading this, feel free to let me know if you think a simple beginners guide to meditation would be helpful for you. And once you learn it, they can’t tax it!

Decisions vs. Intentions

17 Sunday Sep 2017

Posted by in Change, Compassion, Depression, Ego, Emotional Intelligence, Meditation, Middle Way, Open mind, Spirituality

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The solution to any existential problem often hinges upon how committed we are, which can be measured in how realistically we may consider other options. For some, the world never ceases to be an endless tapestry of options. For others, once they’ve made up their mind, they feel honor bound to uphold and defend it, period. It’s that solid act of decision that actually reinforces our resolve. The more concrete the decision, (actively eliminating all other options), the longer the staying power, and the more willing we become to look for ways to do what has to be done to make our original decision work out in the long run.  
Let’s take marriage, for example. If you’re married and you’ve decided for whatever reason  that divorce just isn’t an option for you, then are likely to put a lot of effort into other solutions when you are having problems. You will do whatever it takes to make your marriage work, because quite simply, you don’t really have any other choice (for the sake of the length of this blog entry, I am not addressing situations where someone may have to abandon their own core beliefs due to safety concerns for themselves, or others).

What I’m talking about here is a decision versus an intention. A decision is a judgement, conclusion, or resolution, that is reached after a period of deliberate consideration. Whereas, an intention is more like a plan that is forming. Decisions, by their very nature, eliminate other options. And while there they are conclusions of the mind, they are binding to the person who makes them. And they play a pivotal role in our inner happiness. How do you know if you’ve made a solid decision? Look at whether or not you are able to consider other options.

Are you married? Ask yourself whether or not you could even consider a divorce. That will give you an idea as to how committed your decision was (again, barring safety concerns, etc.)

Wondering if your decision to stop drinking is going to work this time? Look at how often the option to drink realistically presents itself. People who continue to attempt recovery, yet constantly relapse, have to live in this reoccurring nightmare as they search for a reason to hang their repeated stumblings upon. It was no accident that the authors of the 12 steps thought it best to shoehorn in the 3rd step, and its binding decision, prior to the real working part of their program. 

Even thoughts of suicide could apply here. Many people have the thoughts, but far fewer act on them. Those who are still with us were willing to still consider other options during a critical time. 

Suffice it to say that what I am getting at applies to all of us, especially in our bigger moments of weakness. We all have moments of doubt, but those who have made a binding decision are granted a little voice that tells them, “Sure, taking some other path may ease my suffering, but I can’t do it, it’s just not an option. There’s got to be something else I can do, someone who can help, some way to get through this.”

The fear of acting on something always comes before we act, it is a crucial moment that we pay little attention to. We don’t usually experience fear when we act, it almost always exists within the anticipation of action… beforehand. If we were to recognize the moment that exists prior to our actions as the crucial window that it actually is, we can learn to harness its power, because it is there that real decisions get made. And those decisions have the power to reduce the suffering we might have exposed ourselves to, had we not made sure we considered everything before we actually acted.