1. First we have stop people from coming over our borders. It doesn’t matter where they’re coming from at this point, let’s just stop them all! I mean you never know what kind of gravy-laden cheese covered french fry death trap those damn Canadiens might try to slowly kill us with! You know it’s true! They hate our freedom! Get rid of all damn illegals! (of course, every couple of generations the blacklist changes. So at this point we’re probably stuck with Irish cops in Boston, the Amish are still speaking their own little German code through their mustachless beards, and don’t even get me started on those lutefisk sucking Swedes that have taken over Minnesota. But, one thing at a time.)

2. Next we need to get rid of those budget killing social programs! Look, if someone was dumb enough to believe the tobacco companies back when doctors where endorsing them, why should we pay for their treatment now? You know that once the free market gets in there, everything will be better. Why? Because the sick, the needy and the weak will get weeded out by virtue of being denied healthcare due to pre-existing conditions which should obviously include skin color and English language fluency! We can do it! We just need the right guy running this country who isn’t afraid to tell these legal scholars where to stick their Constitution. Thin the herd, right?! Let’s face it, even though Charles Darwin was a filthy apostate, secretly we’ve been adhering to his theory for centuries. Every time we marginalize another ethnic group, make judgements about their intelligence, or even whether or not they are a worthy race to bother keeping in the gene pool… it’s all about natural selection because you know they’re naturally unworthy! It’s just that you can’t write that stuff into the science curriculum without running it by the Texas Board of Education’s, so shhhhhhhh... Instead what we need to do is denounce Darwin, and then promote white superiority and deny there’s connection. I mean how the hell else are we supposed to make America great again?! We know that God would want it that way. It’s clear that it has nothing to do with why Jesus was feeding the hungry and clothing the poor. It’s not like he was dealing with some damn illegals looking for a free ride!

3. Once we get rid of the freeloaders, then they’ll be so many jobs that people will be able to choose whatever they want from them. It’ll be like picking apples from an overloaded tree in the fall! Then we can begin to make the biggest deals, the best deals, with places like China and Mexico. Because we have something everybody else wants, stuff made by Americans!  (Of course, eventually we’re going to have to talk about how most of you still buy cheap plastic crap made in China instead of the quality stuff from that company your grandfather used to work for. And that we can still see your big ol’ Ford pickup with the “Don’t Tread On Me” stickers parked in the lot at Walmart instead of that local department store where your aunt used to work… eventually we’re gonna have to talk about that shit… but not yet.) We’re going to start winning again because we’re America! And they can’t take that away from us!!!

4. Jobs! It’s time to take back our jobs too! No more will we allow cheap workers to come over the border and just take our jobs! They just walk right up and take them!! We have to make it so that the job creators aren’t looking the other way when these illegals come in and take away some American’s job, and when the job creators look up suddenly they have some new worker that snuck in and stole the job right out from under some honest, hard working American! And then these illegals have the cojones to start demanding less money so that the job creators are forced to pay them less in order keep their prices low for the Americans who just had their job stolen. It’s a mess that we have fix, and it’s obvious that the only way we can do it is to get rid of the illegals who steal these jobs, and we need to do so in order to protect the honest, hard working Americans. 

5. We need to get America back to a more wholesome time! A time where children weren’t afraid to play in the streets! They weren’t afraid to drink water from a hose! And they weren’t carrying around disinfectant all the time because they are scared of getting cooties!!! Back to a time when, if an American got sick, they just toughed it out! And we need to get back to point where we can call someone any damn name we want to, because we’re Americans and we don’t have time for that politically correct bullshit! Remember, it’s not racism if everyone is doing it! So get out there and egg your neighbors house! Tweet nasty stories about your enemies! And above all, do what you know is good for you! You can, because you’re an American!!! That used to stand for something, and it will again!!!